Lately

I took a Bikram Yoga class. It was extremely difficult. I was good for the first half then I started actually looking at my body in the mirror, judging myself, hating my body. Then the heat started to set in, and the difficulty if the poses started getting to me. Then I had to lie down. I would get up see my shape in the mirror get dizzy and lie down for the rest of the time. I left feeling dizzy and nauseas and ended up puking outside my car when I got home. Today I feel great. I really want to do Bikram again.

I recently logged on to one of these calorie counting web sites. they made me give my age hieght and weight, then told me I was obese. I got even more disgusted at myself. It was a big motivator to get up and get moving in other places other than the kitchen. I now know that I need to push myself. Bikram is a good way to go. I want to be lean and fit and flexible. So Yoga is a good way to go.

I ate cookies today:(

I am sad to have to admit that I ate cookies today. I went to the store and told myself that I wasn't going to buy cookies today and I did. I wound up telling myself I would only eat 2 and I ended up eating five more. I am disgusted. I was doing so well. I have made myself crave veggies. NO I am serious. about an hour after breakfast I started thinking about what I wanted for lunch, guestimating the caloric intake, and for the rest of the morning I could not stop thinking about the veggies in my sandwich it made my mouth water. Drooling over uncooked vegetables, now there's a new one. It was soo cool. I have also been putting Udo oil on my cereal and it actually makes me feel full. I have been eating GoLean Crunch and dribbling the oil on it. Let me tell the taste takes getting used to but the health benefits are killer. Now I'm going to retrain myself to crave berries instead of chocolate.

Another thing that I must admit is it is really hard changing my eating habits when no one else in the house is. Dave, my husband, likes meat and junk food and believes he needs to eat that crap to stay at a healthy weight. He is keeping his weight stable but he is far from healthy. He works hard all day and doesn't really eat until he gets home. It breaks my heart. I make him lunch almost everyday. It has been helping the problem is he insist on eating a fattening dinner. He grombles when I vegetarianize it, and he grumps when I say i won't buy him junk food. He has a job he can buy it. Every once in a while he acts really supportive other times he isn't very convincing.

Oh well it isn't a fight without opposition. My team just needs cannons full of love and gratitude and tanks full of will-power.

On a happy note I went down the tube slide at the park with my son yesterday. I usually tell myself that I can't do that because I am too heavy or thick and don't want the imbarassment. Those are imbarrassing thoughts. And it is imbarassing when your 2 year old tumbles down the slide because i wasn't with him. I'd rather be thought of as a fun loving, kick ass chunky mom than a fat ass bad mother. It was the best time at the park. I will never listen to inner critic again. I am going to do things becuase I want to reguardless of my weight. You have got to think thin to be thin.

my motivational reasons

motivation
#1- be healthier
#2- To keep up with my energetic little boy.
#3-get stronger.
#4- live longer
#5-fight depression
#6-skinny clothes are cheaper
#7- smaller bras are cuter
#8-skinny jeans
#9- look good tank tops
#10-look as gorgeous outside as I feel inside.

Yesterday

Activity-
40 min. cardio and 30 min ab work with my son. I hate doing crunches but if I can get my son to laugh while doing them it makes them bearable.

eating-
So I ate like I usually do to see exactly when I eat and what I eat. I was munching on bad food. most of the time. So from now on if I am going to put something in my mouth between meals it is going to be gum.

today

exersize- ewww! scratch that. What I did for fun-
slept in worked out for an hour at 6 am. Turbo Jam kicks butt.
15 min. meditation. feeling awesome.
plan on chasing Wyatt outside when he wakes up.

Food-
Eggs on spelt. Not happy about the egg thing. Made me feel full though. need to go shoping for vegetarian alternatives. I also had 2 cups of coffee with agave nectar instead of sugar. left me jittery plan on trying yerba mate instead.
PB and celery
spelt sandwich with lettuce, mushrooms, cucumbers, sprouts, avacados and mustard. More bread like food. need to change that. felt awesome.
Raw almonds, Strawberries and cheese. haven't eaten it yet tell you tomorrow.
For dinner Salad with "Chikin" fat free balsamic vinagerette tell you tomorrow.
Water for the rest of the day.

my gut today

Watch it change as time goes on.

For Starters

So I admit losing weight is hard. 2 years after my son's birth I remain 70 lbs overweight. I have been working out for about a year, not as religiously as I should but at least 3 days a week. My weight has stayed. I eat fairly healthy. However, I must confess I am a bread and sugar junky, and I hate excersize. Feew!! (Wipes forehead). The truth does set you free. I no longer want to eat bread, well gluten, and sugary junk food. Nor will I eat what other people say is ok. I will not eat cake at party because it is what you do, I will not eat animals because everyone else is and the bible tells us to. The bible also states that in the last days the lion will lay down with the lamb and we are the worst lions there are. I will not compromise any part of myself to make others happy anymore. I have a huge spirit and she has been stuffed down way to long enlarging my gut. This blog is to keep me accountable for what I put in my mouth and for what part of me I put out in the world. My shell has been broken let's see what happens.